2025 03Nympton News Autumn final with bleed - Flipbook - Page 65
Ask Bertie4King’s Nympton’s own agony
aunt cat As told to John Louth
Very sad twin stories this month, not for the
squeamish 3 one from the animal kingdom and
one from the unfathomable world of humans.
Pinkie, a rather large and attractive pig, informs me
that her owner has lascivious intentions towards
her, not altogether unknown in rural communities
where loneliness can strike down even the most
stoical of souls. She reports that her owner is
constantly feeding her treats 3 garlic bulbs, herbs,
spices and even lavender. Recently he has taken to
rubbing her down with a blend of Greek olive oil, sea salt and kimchi,
leading Pinkie to conclude that she is being groomed, the old-fashioned
way.
Ah, tricky this one. Pinkie, unlike your owner, I shall give it to you straight.
Whilst I yield to no one in recognising your obvious charms, I should point
out that an explanation for this behaviour might be hunger rather than
amour. Christmas is coming and the price of turkeys is forecast to be the
highest the market has seen for many a year. Leads me to believe,
perhaps, that the ingesting of herbs and salt baths might mean that pork
is on the menu this year, probably accompanied by a really robust
stufong. Sorry to break this to you.
Second this month, a village elder writes to say he has a four-word
speaking part in a televised drama. He needs help in onding his
motivation. Does he deliver the words as an angry old man raging against
the light? Would it be better as a kindly, though confused, elder
statesman, rather in the style of ex-President Biden? Or, perhaps, he
projects his inner Private Godfrey? These are important questions that
most would struggle to answer. But if he considers what Pinkie9s future
holds, he9ll deliver his lines blending empathy, with horror, a touch of
acceptance and a top note of irony. Just what the director is looking for,
in fact.
I hope this helps. Duck liver pate and a small postal order to the usual
address.
To read online—www.kingsnymptononline.com/latest-edition
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